two pineapples, one is cut in half
by
Ruth Kwitko Lym
,
October 21, 2021

Becoming a Swinger Late in Life

I’m not getting any younger and who knows if/when the "perfect" relationship will come along.

After exploring this website for a while, it occurred to me that the people who had been in “the lifestyle” for a long time were some of the most “sexually sane” people I had ever come across.

I’d been married for 35 years when my husband finally figured out he was gay. How did it take him so long? His parents had to die first, apparently. So now we are separated (and I finally understood what was wrong with our sex life all those years) and I spent two years despairing that I’d never have sex again, not that my old sex life was so great. I tried Match.com and Yahoo Personals with no luck. I had this idea that I had to find the perfect mate, while at the same time the truth was that I wasn’t even sure I’d ever want to get married again. 

Finally, I realized that it was actually the sex itself that I was missing. Not just intercourse, but the touching and connection with another person. A friend who lives in another part of the country recently confided in me that he and his wife were swingers (what used to be called “wife swapping”), and that got me thinking. I researched it on the web and found what looked like a good website. I signed up and posted a very straightforward ad with a picture of me sitting in a restaurant: 

Subject: Older BBW wonders if there is a place to find sexual pleasure again 

(BBW stands for Big Beautiful Woman, which is the politically correct way to say “fat”)

My Post: No sex with anyone (other than myself) since I split with my husband. I’m not getting any younger and who knows if/when the "perfect" relationship will come along. I have always loved sex with a man and would like to have some again. I am interested in fairly "vanilla" activities, but mostly love oral, both giving and getting. 

Almost instantly, I started getting a ton of DMs on the site. It was overwhelming! Some of the messages were from people I clearly would not be interested in, and many of the profiles only had pictures of men’s penises, or, as they are known – cock shots or dick pics. To those, I immediately pressed the “No Thanks” button, which is a very interesting feature of this website. 

When someone sends you a message on the site, you can respond, of course, but there is also this button you can press that says “No Thanks.” When you press it, a message goes out to the original sender saying something like “Thank you for taking the time to write me. Unfortunately, I am not interested at this point. Best of luck to you in your adventures and have a wonderful day.” This button really comes in handy. It keeps you from saying very negative things. For instance, when I got a message with the subject heading: “How would you like a 30 year old cock?” I just pressed that “No thanks” button, instead of hitting “reply” and saying the first thing that came to mind, which was, “Not if I have to take the asshole that’s attached to it.” And when another message came that said, “How would you like to just go down on me?” I simply pressed the “no thanks” button instead of saying, “How would you like to just go fuck yourself?” It keeps things a bit less hostile. 

But there were a couple of people who interested me. One in particular, Johnny, sent me a picture of himself (his face and upper body with clothes on) and told me that he would be brief, since he knew that I was probably getting a lot of messages. He said he was interested in getting to know me better and asked me to check out his profile. 

This man sounded like a nice person and he was handsome too (so why was he interested in me?). I checked out his profile. He was married and he and his wife were in a “poly” (open) marriage and his wife’s profile was on the website also. They were a “full swap” couple, i.e. they have intercourse with other people. They swing alone and they swing together, which means that sometimes they switch with another couple and also they play with individual people separately.

Every couple (and person) has their own rules, which are most of the time spelled out on the profile. Some couples are “soft swap,” which connotes that they do everything else, but don’t have intercourse with people other than their spouses. One couple I saw on the site will only switch with another couple and only if all four people stay in the same room, so that they can watch each other. The operative philosophy in the group as I see it is “respect.” They are very clear that you have to respect other people’s boundaries. You do nothing that the other person doesn’t want. After exploring this website for a while, it occurred to me that the people who had been in “the lifestyle” for a long time were some of the most “sexually sane” people I had ever come across. Those who were married were devoted to their spouses, and they understood that what they were doing with other people was “play” with NSA (No Strings Attached). They also appeared to have a whole friendship network within the swinging network. 

Johnny and I started sending messages back and forth, asking questions of each other and eventually negotiating what we wanted the encounter to be like and the logistics of getting together and who would “host.” 

We spoke on the phone once, before we met. We went to my house for sex about an hour and a half after we first met. So, he first sent me a message on the 18th of the month and we had sex on the 22nd of the month. The truly amazing thing about this is that the encounter with Johnny ended up being one of the most significant experiences of my life. It was about as far away from what my concept of “anonymous sex” was as it could possibly be. And yet it took place within this framework. 

We agreed to meet at Starbucks in San Bruno. 

I walk into the Starbucks (and now I know why Starbucks makes so much money; people aren’t there for coffee. They are there to hook up! Every crappy date I ever had through Match.com or Yahoo Personals took place at a Starbucks. And all the swingers are meeting at Starbucks for the “meet and greet” – which is the nice way of saying “let’s see if we really want to have sex with each other, or if we just want to have coffee and shake hands.” So that’s how Starbucks makes all that money. Howard [you know, the guy who started Starbucks], you are one smart guy.) Anyway, I digress. I walk into Starbucks. Johnny had already sent me a picture of himself (fully clothed; this guy has class) so I knew that he was a hunk, but as I enter the coffee shop, this absolutely gorgeous guy is smiling at me. I look at him and I ask in a small voice (because I couldn’t fucking believe it!) “Johnny?” He continues smiling and says “yes.”Then he asks me, “How are you feeling?” My response: “Fear and excitement are vying for first place.” He already has his coffee, but he asks me if I want some coffee. I say “no.”

Frankly, I was so nervous, I knew that if I put coffee or anything else in my stomach, it would go someplace I didn’t want it to go, if you know what I mean, and probably at the wrong moment, if you know what I mean. We find a table outside and he starts talking a blue streak. About his work, about his wife, about her work, about his favorite entertainers. I was wondering, “What the hell is going on here?” But he keeps smiling at me, and I start relaxing. Then I understand – he’s trying to put me at ease -- like I said, a high-class guy. After a while, he says, “Would you like to sit here a little longer?” “No” “So, should I follow you home?” My response: “You mean you are still interested?” (I still couldn’t fucking believe it!) Luckily he said yes. I gave him the Mapquest printout, just in case he lost me in traffic, and we both pointed out our cars to each other so he could follow me. 

How the hell I was able to drive home is beyond me! You know, you have no idea who the people are in traffic with you. For all you know, you could be driving next to a conservative looking older woman who is leading a hot stud she just met to her house for as much touching, sucking, licking and fucking as she can get out of him. People like her are probably dangerous and should be barred from driving on the freeway. Again, I digress. 

So, we get to my house (amazingly, without incident on the freeway) and I will just skip over the “little boy’s room” and “little girl’s room” comments, where we go off to separate bathrooms to do whatever. When we are both finished with “whatever,” we meet in the living room and I lead him off to the guest room where I have set up a little area, sort of an altar to sex. An assortment of condoms, lots of lube (I am old, remember), some Tic Tacs (in case either of us is worried about our breath), a bottle of water (in case anyone wants to replenish some lost bodily fluids). Oh, and I did have a box of latex gloves, just in case he was into anal play... (When I had asked the doctor I consulted whether I needed gloves for anal play, he said, “not unless you are planning to eat a pizza right after.” Do they teach comedy in medical school?)

In the bedroom, he pulls me into an embrace and just holds me for a little while. I am so scared I hold onto him for dear life. Then he asks me if he can start undressing me. He is so polite. (he did cop a feel of my breasts without asking first, but then, that was what 

we were there for, right?) As he takes my dress off, I stupidly say, “sorry, no sexy lingerie” (I am such a scintillating conversationalist). I think he said, “that’s OK.” I don’t really remember that well. I was so incredibly frightened. He was about to see my 61 year-old fat body and I was ready to be rejected. I thought he would either laugh at me, look at me in disgust and/or run for the hills. Meanwhile I am starting to undress him (he is helping a lot) and when I put my hands down into his underwear in the back and bring them around to the front, I get a huge shock. Johnny, being the classy guy he is, had never sent me a picture of his cock, so I had no idea. Oh, the irony! My vagina had been “closed for business” for about 5 years at this point, so I was really hoping for a smaller cock to start, to kind of ease myself back into the game. And this is the largest cock I had ever felt in my life! So, of course, I say something stupid like, “Oh God, you’re huge!” Very original, Ruth. 

He unhooked my bra and as he took it off and stepped back to look at me, I closed my eyes. I was afraid to see what I thought I would see in his face as he was looking at me. He said something sweet and funny like “One of us has more clothes on than the other” as he took off my panties. I was about to look away again, fearing what I would see in his face when I looked at him. I was totally naked in front of this gorgeous naked man who was more than 20 years younger than me. But, he sat down on the bed and he just looked at me, all of me, and his gaze settled at my crotch and this soft smile was on his face. It was as if he was admiring a piece of fine artwork. And my life changed. No one had ever looked at me like that before. Then he reached for my hand and pulled me onto the bed with him and made me feel even more wonderful. 

Thank you Johnny for the incredible gift you gave me. You taught me that every person’s body is a work of art unto itself. And that pleasuring another person’s body and receiving pleasure from them is a wonderful way to spend some time – life changing even – and a hell of a lot more fun than playing bridge.

...

Ruth Kwitko Lym is a 75 year old retired woman. She spent most of her working life in IT:  programming, data mapping, testing, release management, and documentation writing. She also worked as an administrative assistant in the infectious disease department at San Francisco General Hospital. She has a 36 year old daughter.

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