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Revel HQ
February 12, 2021


A Q&A With an Anonymous 55-Year-Old Reveler Who's Been Married for 27 Years

There was never a time during my marriage when my husband and I had a lot of sex.

What's your relationship history?

I married the first man I ever slept with. Maybe that’s why, at the beginning of our relationship, I didn’t quite realize how unusual it was that there were so few romantic moments, that he was not much interested in sex or in creating a physically intimate connection with me in bed. Perhaps he didn’t know how; I’m not sure. I was always the initiator and I often was deeply dissatisfied, knowing we were not having the kind of sex I wanted. I tried to get us help numerous times and it never worked. Nothing changed.

How do you cope with this?

I have affairs. For many years I was so busy working full-time and raising three children that I never considered an affair an option. I didn’t have the time. It wasn’t until my oldest daughter went off to college that I woke up and began asking myself the questions that lead to cheating.

I started my first affair a year after my daughter moved away from home for college. There was suddenly more time to think: Who am I? Is this marriage all there is? Would any other man ever want me?

Finding someone to have an affair with was easy — he was a friend of a friend who I saw socially. He was also married. I thought it would only be a one- or two-night thing — that it would get the urge to sleep with another man out of my head. But It lasted 2 years — and we became involved in each other’s lives in a bunch of ways.

I came to realize that the affair let me stay in my marriage by dulling the ache of the sexual gulf between me and my husband.

When the affair ended I was desperate to fill the gap and within a year I had met another married man. This relationship was much deeper, more intense, and emotionally significant. But with both of my affair partners it was always clear that we would never leave our spouses to be together.

Does your spouse know? Has he had affairs?

He doesn’t know and I don’t believe he’s had affairs. He just isn’t that interested in sex.

How does/did your extramarital activity affect your marriage?

There was never a time during my marriage when my husband and I had a lot of sex. Even before the affairs we would go months or even years without it. He just wasn’t interested enough and frequently turned me down when I asked.

Once I started the first affair there was a slight uptick in our sexual relationship. The affair seemed to add some fuel to the barely smoldering fire.

But now we are back to having sex very Infrequently. He doesn’t seem to notice and hardly ever refers to the situation or asks about it or approaches me for sex.

Has it been stressful keeping these secrets?

My affairs have been well hidden because I’ve conducted them over extended lunch hours from work. I’m not accountable during this time to my employer or my husband.

How does this all make you feel?

I would say I am desperately unhappy. The affairs have showed me what I’m missing in my marriage (although those relationships were not without issues and also showed me what I might try to avoid in future relationships).  Now that my second affair is over I am preparing to leave my husband. I don’t know how happy my husband is, and I don’t ask.

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